you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Found the puke drawer
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
