eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
