Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
