im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
