Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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