Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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