He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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