chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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