You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
