you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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