All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
