It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
