Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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