Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
