Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
