and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
