At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
