dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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