im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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