Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
