are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
