i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
