what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize