i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
