i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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