I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
