just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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