I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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