If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
