i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
