Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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