i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
