You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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