Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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