Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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