Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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