make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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