I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
