The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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