There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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