Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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