I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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