I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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