put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
