My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
