Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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