dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
