The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
