hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
