perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
