We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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