i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
