Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
