Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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