I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
