my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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