If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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