He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
