I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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