There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
