Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
