A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
