Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
