Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
